Redeeming Technology, Part 7: Parenting
Parenting principles for an ever-changing technological landscape.
We are ready to conclude our discussion on redeeming technology with the topic that originally inspired the series: Parenting children within this technological age. Rather than delving into specifics that are soon outdated by rapidly changing technology advancements, the best guidance I can offer is parenting principles that can hopefully transcend any future developments.
I will order these principles into a fitting acronym TECH: Teach, Emulate, Choose, Help. (Rather than four shorter posts on each, I believe it will be most helpful to combine them all into one resource. Thus, please forgive the lengthy nature of this posting.)
Teach
That we need to teach our children how to navigate technology in healthy and God-honoring ways goes without saying. However, I want to argue that parental teaching in this area requires far more than a few instructional conversations. Simply put, the ubiquity of technology and its influence on our children's lives demands continual guidance from parents. Technology will not leave your kids alone; thus, neither can you.
This is the parental pedagogy Moses advocates for in Deuteronomy 11, "You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
Notice the ongoing and organic nature of parental discipleship. Rather than set aside "class is in session" times of parental teaching, Moses views the entirety of our children's lives—sitting in your house, walking by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise—every moment is a to be viewed as an occasion for discipleship. He even says, "Write (God's law) on the doorposts of your house." The idea is that the entirety of your home and its activities are consecrated to the ways of God.
This persistent commitment to organic instruction is especially true regarding technology. Immediately following this passage, Moses warns God's people to take heed lest they follow the idols of the world around them. Meaning, we teach our children the ways of God to equip them to repudiate the idols of the world around them. Considering my argument that technology and all that it offers has arguably become the greatest idol of our time. Your children will grow up immersed in the ways of this idol, which means they must grow up immersed in your discipleship to combat that idol.
What I am trying to emphasize is that parents do not have the luxury of being uninformed and unintentional about technology's impact on their children's lives. Instead, we must become experts on the topic, vigilantly looking for organic opportunities to teach our children how God expects them to use technology.
Emulate
Even more significant than teaching your children responsible and Godly technology usage is to become an example for your children to emulate. Notice in the passage cited above that Moses speaks first to parents before discussing parenting, "You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes…"
God does not bless blatant hypocritical parenting. Because of the divine-ordained power of parents within the covenant family, children will follow their parents' habits even more than their parents' instructions. Our children tend to love what we love, believe what we believe, and practice what we practice far more than they do what we say.
Parents can create a perfect technology plan for their children's lives, but if they do not embody that plan, children will follow their parents, not their plan. Thus, the most important parenting advice I can offer is to practice what you preach. Become an example for your children to emulate.
It must be noted that this is not only when your children are watching. Obviously, it is crucial to be exemplary in their immediate presence, but the spiritual nature of the family covenant is such that even when our children are not watching us, we are forming them. For example, the parent viewing online pornography in secrecy is spiritually granting permission for their children to do likewise.
The best way to disciple our children doesn't begin with our children. It starts with the parent's own discipline and Godliness. We must model what we long to see in theirs, providing a blueprint for our children to emulate.
Choose
We teach our children and become models for them to emulate. And then, with those two foundational principles established, parents are faced with a pivotal choice. How will you choose to engage technology as a family? This must be a thoughtful and conscious decision by the parents, so I include it as its own step.
A generation after the Deuteronomy passage already referenced, God's people face a pivotal choice. Within God's promised land, they are surrounded by competing idols of other nations, and Joshua has a literal come to Jesus moment in Joshua 24, "Now therefore fear the LORD and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. 15And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."
A definitive choice must be made. Will your house serve the Lord or the surrounding cultural idols, of which technology is one of the most perilous? The most dangerous idols are the unnoticed ones. Those that control us without us even knowing we are being controlled. And this is the nature of our technological age. Everyone is addicted, and nobody recognizes the extent of their addiction.
For this reason, I urge parents to make a conscious choice in this unconsciously assumed idol. Choose this day whom your family will serve. Will it be the Lord your God or your screens? If it is the LORD, and I highly suggest that be your answer, then there must be a stark contrast between your family and the rest of society. Unfortunately, this is not often the case.
In my experience, many Christian parents have unwittingly chosen to go with the flow of technology. It just is what it is; this is what kids do now; I don't want my kid to be the weird kid; it's easier not to fight that battle—this is the subliminal reasoning of many parents, which is why many families naturally drift into the harmful ways of our culture. I am asking parents to make the intentional choice to be different.
If so, then you now face another choice: repudiation or integration. Though I will advocate for integration, I also want to affirm those parents who choose repudiation. I do not fault you if you wish to create a fortified family life walled off from technology's madness. There are arguments to be made for raising your children with a screenless upbringing. I remain unconvinced by those arguments, but not enough to fault any parent for that choice.
That said, let me share why we have chosen integration for our home. Practically, I don't think repudiation is sustainable within this world. They will eventually have to engage and use technology, and I prefer to train them in healthy habits while under my care. But biblically, I do not think cultural repudiation is the normative paradigm of cultural engagement. Admittedly, we find Sodom and Gomorrah moments of all-out rejection, but most often, the expectation is the "salt of the earth, light of the world" pattern established by Jesus. God's people are in and among the world, while noticeably different from the world, bearing witness to the way the world ought to be under God's good reign. This, I believe, ought to be applied to the virtual world as well.
If that is the choice you make for your home, then it will demand a lot of work from the parents.
Help
For those parents who choose repudiation, the help they must provide is merely building up walls of protection. If integration is the choice, the help is far more complicated and dependent upon parental intuition and wisdom. Jesus' favorite metaphor for Kingdom growth is plant growth, which is how parents must view their task. Children are seeds of Kingdom potential that should be carefully cultivated.
Botanists never plant a seed in the wild, with little chance of survival. Instead, growth begins in the perfectly controlled conditions of a greenhouse. However, plants cannot move straight from the greenhouse to their permanent planting because they are unprepared to survive that abrupt transition into harsh conditions. Instead, there is an intermediate stage where the plants are taken outside the greenhouse for a season. Remaining under a watchful eye, they are carefully exposed to real-world hazards to acclimate and prepare for their own survival.
This is a good picture of parenting children through an integrated approach to technology. In the childhood stage of development, they are secure within the greenhouse of protection. In adolescence, they move outside the greenhouse but remain under the parent's vigilant supervision. Let's discuss both.
In greenhouse early development, protect at all costs. That does not mean they cannot use screens, but that screen usage is heavily protected. That protection is more than just the content on the screen, which goes without saying. Of course, they must be protected from any harmful content, but the mistake most parents make in this phase is more about the quantity of screen time than the quality. Nothing renders a child more immobile than handing them an iPad or putting them in front of a TV, which is why it is so easy and tempting to use the screen as a digital nanny. But as I have argued repeatedly, it is not just content that can be harmful but the nature of technology itself, which constantly forms us in its own image. Parents will notice that after extended time on screens, children become impatient, irritable, numb, isolated, and so forth. The screen is not a harmless medium and should not be treated as such, especially in the earliest years of development. Therefore, be highly protective of both the quality and quantity of screen usage.
As children progress into adolescence, it is time for them to move out of the greenhouse protection and begin acclimation to the potential hazards of technology. Again, this is still under the parent's supervision, but they need to experience more freedom and develop healthy habits. The timing of when to give them a phone, computer, social media, etc., is up to the parents and their unique knowledge of their child, but we typically start this when they enter the teenage phase. However, they must not abruptly transition from complete protection to complete independence. Instead, in this intermediate phase, parents implement for their children what I previously suggested we all do for ourselves—place boundaries on the boundless nature of technology and bring exposure to the anonymous nature of technology. Do your research, consult with trusted counsel, and determine the best way to implement boundaries and exposure.
Beyond these protective measures, there is also the need to proactively cultivate a screenless life. Create rhythms in your family where your teenager experiences life without screens. An easy suggestion would be a screenless sabbath every Sunday. But get creative in showing them the goodness of life without technology's interference. Perhaps most importantly, try to cultivate old-fashioned fun with friends. Unfortunately, this does not come naturally to the rising generation, which is increasingly incapable of connecting outside screens. This will require intentional effort from parents to create wholesome fun and fellowship among peers.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, pray that your teenager gets caught when they misuse technology. No matter how vigilant the parent is, the ubiquity of technology will most likely lead to instances of moral failure. Lament this, but do not fear this. When they fail, panic must not be the response. Instead, capitalize on the broken, softened, fertile ground that comes through hardship. Use their failure as an occasion for the gospel they have heard their whole life to become real and personal. Use their failure as an occasion for instructions they previously disregarded but now welcome. In this way, their failures become a crucial discipleship moment, preparing them for a lifetime of redemptive technology usage.