Defeater Ethics: Parents
Every parent fails, but our God does not.
Our defeater ethics discussion turns its attention to what is, for many, the most sensitive and significant moral objection to the Christian faith. For reasons we will discuss, the moral failings of Christian parents represent a uniquely substantial barrier to their progeny continuing the legacy of faith entrusted to them. This topic requires a level of sensitivity I cannot offer here, so I would encourage those traumatically impacted by parental failure, perhaps even abuse, to listen to the more qualified long-form discussion I provide on the podcast.
God ordained the family in general, and parenting specifically as the most formative influence on earth, and social research continually reinforces that Biblical truth. Within pre-fallen conditions, this unrivaled parental power was destined to cultivate a perfect world. Sinless fathers and mothers in perfect unions, obeying the command to be fruitful and multiply, stewarding their divinely appointed influence to bless creation generationally—this was God's perfect plan.
The problem, however, is the plan would not endure one generation before its demise. But the formative power of the parents did not fall. Parental authority retained its power, but that power in the hands of sinful parents is now corruptible and potentially destructive. This is why the Bible speaks of sin's impact generationally. God warns of sins visiting children and even children's children. That does not mean God will vengefully punish grandchildren for the evils of grandparents. Instead, one generation's sins form the next, which then forms the next, and in this way, sinful patterns tend to manifest generationally via the formative power of parenting. Hurt people hurt people. That is always true, but especially true within family systems.
This is why I'm arguing that out of every moral objection to the Christian faith, the moral failure of parents is probably the most significant. It only makes sense that a child would associate God with their parents because that is God's original intent. Thus, if your parents have harmed you, especially in God's name, you will naturally want nothing to do with their God. In fact, rejecting their faith is, in many ways, becomes your strongest protest against their harm.
But there is a better way to respond to your parent's failures, a response accompanied by God's promise that "it will go well with thee." The health you seek is not found in rebelling against the God of your heritage but in obedience to God's command to "Honor your father and your mother." Before you dismiss it, let me explain it.
We who inhabit an individualistic society typically view the family as a collection of individuals who happen to share the same name. Biblically (and still in more traditional cultures), the family is viewed as a covenantal unit. Rather than loosely connected individuals, we are smaller parts of a much greater whole. Put more simply, Americans focus on the first name, but the Bible focuses on the last name. Therefore, when we hear the call to honor father and mother, we think of those two individuals (Robert and Abby), but the Bible has in mind honoring what those two individuals represent and steward (Cunningham).
The command to honor father and mother is a call to honor your family name. This interpretation changes everything because what if parents, as individuals, are bringing dishonor to the family name? In this case, to honor them is never to ignore and certainly not enable their dishonor. Rather, it is to do for them that which they have failed to do and redeem the honor of your family name. In a healthy family, the call to honor father and mother is to carry on their noble legacy and even improve upon it. And healthy parents would welcome and celebrate that.
In an unhealthy family, the call is to end the unhealth. Your new path might be perceived as a threat because it forces them to face the shame of their failures. But the honor of their name is more important than their opinion. You are the one who is determined to break generational curses, sins, addictions, and perhaps even abuse, thus rescuing the family from its dishonor. In this way, you honor them by rewriting their legacy.
It will not be easy. After all, you are taking a stand against generationally embedded patterns. So, you will need help. Not just help but salvation. You need a Savior who has the power to set the captives free, break the generational chains, who can and will rescue and redeem your story. What if the Savior you are rejecting because of your parents is the only hope of breaking free from your parents? Certainly, you can try it on your own. Harden yourself to your upbringing, suppress or even repress the past, and move forward in the strength of your independence, determined not to repeat your parents' failures. But if what I'm saying is true, these generational sins are too strong for you. It may manifest differently in your life, but eventually, you will come face to face with this sobering reality: The very thing you hated in your parents is being repeated in your story.
Or there is another way. And Jesus is that way. He has the power to forgive you of your sins and to heal and free you for the ways you have been sinned against. Don't give up on Jesus because of your parents. Show your parents the true Jesus. They may thank you for it or hate you for it, but either way, you will honor them for doing it.
Don't despise your father and mother, lest you repeat the sins of your father and mother. Instead, through Jesus, forgive your father and mother, honor your father and mother, and in so doing, you will redeem the name of your father and mother.